So Christmas is here, lots of people in bintang walk and sunway pyramid probably...
along with their friends, with some cocktail in their hands?
well, here I am blogging.
whats been up? it has been days and days, even weeks - it seemed that my only friend who would always be there somehow disappeared. God was somewhere?
well, I just found out, recently, I didn't love God as much as I used to before.
I felt bad. Maybe not so much because of sin...
but in a sense sin also. I somehow can't live properly without God. Its plain bad. When I was with God, there was Somebody that I shared my joy and my sadness with; without God...
it was so pointless crying since it didn;t seem that anybody would hear it.
but until now, I still can't get myself to cry.
Hows Christmas eve?
was in the streets of Pasar Seni. Homeless, jobless, lifeless... many -less people there. much like other people actually much like many people I live with. they have a home, they have their job and stuff. just no life.
I look around, I see normal people going from one place to the other to find some fun stuff to do, trying to find a right person, and going mad about all sorts of things. On the other hand, I see many bored Christians.
I was with Samuel today as we rode thru the streets. I think I almost got whacked. Some indian guy, which I think he is either drunk or crazy, threatened me. well, thats alright.
Met with a guy who draws, whether for aliving or not I don't know. but as I walked with Samuel, I cn just see that kind of faces people carry. They don't know the hope. The hope in Jesus Christ. but I have no idea what to do. How do I tell them?
then when the street ministry started giving out food. I'm just thinking again, these people. how? Where is the guy who was dying of AIDS I saw last week? Where is the guy who struggled with sexual problems? Whats been up?
It was only last night I saw a shout-out by my friend. seems that one of my ex schoolmates, got leukemia. Dying.
Its not totally hopeless. He is in an isolated ward, can;t go and talk to him. God can. Thats a ray of hope.
Tonight is Christmas, yet I know for sure, somebody is still dying of hunger this very second. My heart is painful. God's heart is a million times more painful.
I think my heart is painful simply because people are just dying.
but I think God's heart is painful because so many people who have money are simply partying, closing their eyes to the dying part of the world.
Sometimes I really hate this, not sometimes, all the time. What do I do? scold?
I don't know.
So its Christmas. I could be shouting and laughing all along. but I think I can't just force these things. Maybe a smile, bittersweet...
because, Jesus bore this burden. The burden of the sin of the world.
and Jesus died for me. Thats big deal.
He is my hope. My life hangs on that.
So do many people's life. So when all these things are running through my mind. guess who comes?
I just came back from church. I saw this girl, that I mention always. She is just so pretty looking. and I mean really pretty.
and so what comes into my mind. I look at myself in the mirror and I wonder...
so, this is Christmas. I have a life. My life is in my hands now. Either I can live, to meet my aims, live life moderately selfish, which the world approves of; or I will live my life in a manner, consistent to the love my Friend lived for me, as the song goes...

I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
I have decided to follow Jesus,
No turning back, no turning back.

The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me,
The world behind me, the cross before me,
No turning back, no turning back.

but let me not make it sound as if I'm so big time. I struggle. In times like this, I simply find it very difficult. It seems that not many people share this. Teens are bored. Adults are bored. Kids are not bored because they are ignorant. Well not everybody. but if many would admit. Statistics would show. Maybe I will just pray during this Christmas.

God...
do You think it will make a difference? to those who are dying....

anyway, my friends...

Merry Christmas

The last time I blogged, was like 6th. Now it is.. 19th quite a few days. Anyway, i think I can count all the people that reads my blog, with one hand. anyway, thats good. to start, one person came into my life. Difficult to handle. Scary, but good. From the door to door preaching, one Indonesian girl, I think about 20 or 20++ called me up. It was quite scary, she said she wanted to be my friend. I never thought of such a thing before. I thought it was some sort of failure to minister to any Indonesians that day, I was like all rejected, the only thing was that I managed to drop down my phone number, asking them to call me if they wanted to know about God. And so one did, and I'm having headache cos of that. so, from that day until today, I think I have been receiving more than 30 SMSes from her and I replied more than half of them I think. Its like so expensive. I'm complaining. Thats the stupid flesh. See, my flesh is bloody jealous of my spirit, cos I don't really care about it. Since stopping most forms of entertainment, my flesh, or my body have been suffering from some sort of unhappiness, but I can't care too much about that. I am affected by that very much, but I think I'm going too far to turn back. that was 7th of December. This thing is continuing until today. 9th was the mission trip, and I was still feeling so distant from God. yeah, I heard that, facts and feelings don't necessarily go together as in. God loves me whether I feel it or not. but still, feelings affect me a lot; and it is not nice to feel far from God, not nice at all. with mission trip coming near, I should be prepared. on thursday, I went over to Zu Yao's house to stay overnight along with the mission team. Joshua, my Asst. Cell leader, called me up before, to check if stuff is alright with me. Josh is a nice guy. I know he may not be motivated all the time, but the effort he makes, to motivate me, and to encourage is quite something. People who don;t understand that call it fake, but I know that it involves sacrifice to do that, to cheer another person up. When I am not in the mood, I just shut up and get whatever I need to do, done. During the night there, I wanted t get motivated, real bad. So I started to talk about medicine - again. talk about faith and stuff. after talking about the thing for almost an hour? nothing much changed. I think I won the argument, but hmm, nothing much seemed to change. The same evening, I stepped into a Buddhist library, looked around for books, then I found out books that says about Jesus going to India during his young adult and teen years... Then I found some basic Buddhist teachings. The man there wanted to be helpful to help me locate a book, which I couldn't find, named Sutrapidot. Nevermind. Slept at night, super lot of mosquitos, my sleep was almost like no sleep. end of 8th. 9th is the first day of mission trip. we were late for 3 hours plus I think because we got lost. During the car ride, I talked to Jaime quite a lot. we were called to sit behind. It was as if I was gonna die, so I better pass on my thoughts and knowledge if it was of any use. Christina would know what I would probably be talking about. So we reached there at 4 pm. around there. met with the pastors, and rested. I think first evening was mostly eat and rest. Programs were cancelled. Being out of my house, I know I must make more effort to have my own quiet time with God, its like a lazy thing that waits to pounce on me when I'm in a new environment with new timetables. It can be said almost from the first day until the last day of the mission trip I was in some sort of disagreement with the team. Basically it was between me and team. They were quite together, I was not so together, in almost anything. well, that didn't mean I don;t help out. I just prayed alone most of the time, seldom did I pray with the full team. Team members that I got to share something with was Kheng Yew, Jaime, and Jonathan. Some stuff that caught my attention was Zu yao. Suddenly out of the blues he shows some cool stuff. It was like.. during the last day of the trip, suddenly he said be bold. and yeah, it was a sharp piercing sword. I like that. Most of the disagreements was with Asher, Sarah, and Siew Mei. Siew Mei was the team leader, I could see she worked quite a lot. but disagreements are still disagreements, I don't like to compromise. Anywya, to clarify, this mission is to the Orang Asli(s) in Rompin. Objective is to preach Jesus and help the ministry which is already there. Pastor Mondon is the pastor of the church, along with his wife, Pastor Liyu. Pastor Mondon, I was glad I got to talk to him twice. There wasn't much information that I shared with him. I just hoped that I would stir him up a little more than before. He needs more of God, not more of me. then I met Raibin. He broke his leg. The team prayed for him first, then I prayed for him. God didn't put that bone back that same day, or night. I'm sad. The kids were really noisy there. Fornikah, Pastor Mondon's daughter, was teachable. I saw her singing songs of praise and worship, it was good. in the whole hall, every other person was doing something else, but she was singing songs to God. She was 10 years old. Then I met Rizan. Rizan is a guy who is eager to learn. I got to talk to him and prayed for him. He is encouraging. He gets stuff done. He shows me around. and when I walk around with my Bible, he is the only one that asks for it so he can read it. If anybody knows me, they would probably know that I always walk around with my Bible. whether I read it or not... Even now as I'm typing, I feel a little bit like a robot. but I know at least this is somehow better than lazing around. I really pray that God shines something on me so, things- no not things. I just want God a lil more closer, a lil more like a close friend. Then I met Ahmad. Ahmad has some mental problems. He is not really retarded, he would be a genius if he was retard. but there is just something wierd. prayed for him, anointed with oil. How I long to see him standing up alright, proclaiming that Jesus is Lord instead of having that wierd look on his face. Its quite sad. I think I would feel that more if I were him. but somehow, my heart doesn't cry. Crying is nice, its fun. wanting to cry a lil, but not being able to, is terrible. then I met Ben and Zunainah, they didn't make any special impact to me during that time. Maybe they are generals of God in the near future, but well, I, didn't get that thought at that point of time. I hope Rizan will somehow lead. I learnt some stuff during the mission trip too. I have to simply submit to my leaders, and always do this with much prayer. There happened something which I disliked very much during the trip, and I know it was not supposed to be so. Either I be sad or happy. Nice, like... those words are for my flesh. so my flesh was hurt. what shall I do? crucify it. So I talked to God for maybe 20 minutes, and finally God gave me the peace and said, support my leader. At least for that occasion. I gotta hold my reactions back. respond after thinking. Met with some teens and young adults over there too. There is an open door. Oang asli are not that proud. Its easier to be with them. it is quite long to type everything out here. its because most of the time I just shut up and think a lot. people who knows me know that sometimes I just think too much, but thats okay. when we reached church after departing from the mission site, I brought up most of the disagreements and there was some sort of argument in the van. but well, I think its good. Its not nice to bring up issues, but its good to expose these stuff, no point hiding and cover poison. the 2 days after coming back... was not really bad. it was normal. as in I was quite gloomy, and quiet. but nevermind, went out with my non Christian friends. went cycling, eating ice creamm sing karaoke, and swimming, doing all these, I prayed very very little for a few days. This pause, made me thought more about unsaved people. and made me thought about the days I was not saved. and during these few days until yesterday, I slumped back into masturbation. Thats worst. No im not saying masturbation. It simply reveals something wrong going on. I'm drifting a lil further from God. Well, God is not far, its just that I can't hear Him that much... on the 15th of december... middle of the night, I dreamt. God showed me His goodness. I forgot how. I was just like, God saying " I'm good to you, I love you" and I was crying in my sleep. Sleeping beside me was Heng Kai. I was there overnight. What was I doing earlier, washing cars and singing karaoke with them. I'm a little lost frankly speaking. anyway, these few days, I read an article, challenging the position of the Holy Spirit as the third Person in the Trinity. For a few days I was quite convinced that the Holy Spirit was not a Person. but then early today God led me to find the thing out again. one of the only thing that I can find that would stand a chance to prove that the Holy Spirit is a person is the benediction part. Communion of the Holy Spirit. I thought. we can fellowship with a dog even, but never a thing. So Holy Spirit is a person right? then I checked the greek word. koinonia. It doesn't always have to mean person kind of fellowship. I'm still finding out. anyway, it has been a few times I'm in Pasar Seni. That day went out with Mei Yan to Pasar Seni. Got to talk and provide a little for the beggars there. its a long story. I can type for 30 minutes just on that days trip. fruitful.this is friday. I got into an argument with some guy with the religion similar to the sky religion. saturday. street ministry, highlight was HIV man. of course there is much more. but highlight was church. That night, I sensed... that the spiritual atmosphere was quite low. Its just not there. don't ask me how I feel or whatsoever. Its just, not there. Oh man, this cannot be happening. Sunday, stayed at home with dad most of the time. Washing cars with Heng Kai and Ben taught me to clean the cars properly instead of just washing it. so its cool. Few days didn't go for kickboxing class already. later I'm going. God please help me. Its like some big time spiritual warfare. not so much of bombs and guns. its like some sabotage case. some assasination case. Its not nice.

running out of time. just a short update before I really sit down and seriously blog. I'm facing a few stuff. one Malay girl whom I kinda met when I was preaching from door to door is asking me out to ask me about life n stuff like that, this wednesday, I have no idea what to say. then, bought fruits as God said. but then haven't get the chance to give them away. when some YWAM people came for the CYZ meeting like few months ago, they said I have a pastors heart or sumthing like that. If people around me know me, I don't smile always and seldom joke, so that was quite out. So the fruits were for my indonesian neighbours and I have this wild fantasy of starting some sort of BM church right there... and recently I took up kickboxing.. been to 4 classes already, whole body tiring, and I found out that I'm so super weak. 20 leg rise would almost kill me. and also this morning God reminded me of a prayer point answered. I was so sick of cyber cafes sometime back, am still sick of it cos it causes many non Christian college students to slack, and also that kind of spirit there that troubles even Christians. So sometime back, like 2 months plus? I prayed against the cybercafes in SS15. If anybody knows SS 15 is like, one of the places with most cybercafes. and a few days ago, I walked pass one of the cybercafe, I think it is closed! muahahaha.... I'm gonna pray, and more people are gonna pray. until all cybercafes are closed I was gonna say more and more cybercafes are closed...then I remembered the story of the king not striking enough arrows in the Bible. so I will say that I will, by God's grace, strike until the last one is down, or burnt up. That place is that bad it would be good that the whole thing would just burn up.... but of course I won't pour petrol. Amen, gotta go for classes now~

There is so much stress today. because I slept in stress last night. There is so much stress that it is too stressful to type it out. I heard Matthew 5:16 just now, and my heart lightened up a lot. but I'm still hoping that the relief would be more than that. by part I want it, by part I don't want it. see, even wanting relief is a stressful choice. Some say I take too much on myself. and I think that is a choice that I made, and the last thing I will do is complain am I complaining? well, typing out this, kinda eases me a little bit. So it is part of the solution, and it is not just complaints. perhaps God will send someone to comfort me. so this post is not a complaint, it is part of the solution. okay, this is like the shortest and most meaningless post in my whole life. but oh well, maybe it isn't that meaningless, it just shows that God is around, before, during, and after my stressful times. In God I trust.

18 - 20 of Nov... my mom's CG retreat. afternoon, Mr Davis came and picked up my mom and I and we headed for Ipoh. 2 hours ride. Mr Davis driving, His wife, auntie Kristy beside him, another passenger was Magdelene, which is auntie Kristy's younger sister. reached there, greeted by the... Leong Family... haha which is Uncle Jeremy, auntie Lilian, Christina, and Calvin. Uncle auntie... dunno how old... Christina is form 3... 14 i think, and lil Calvin is 9 years old, so its quite an odd group to go out together with, but its cool. First night was CG night, as they were supposedly praying. I totally did not feel like praying cos the whole atmosphere was not pleasant for prayer at all. So after indicating to Mr Davis, which is the cell leader, I spoke to everybody to simply really pray, and said that there was no spirit of prayer. after that, we continued praying... it was a little better, but still not as err....what word should I use... "powerful?" later on was CG time. so the men shared to the men, women with women. since CG time is actually quite personal, I shouldn't leak anything about the contents. anyway, after that, everybody execpt Mag and I went for supper. My stomach wasn;t in the best condition. that was the lesser reason, the greater reason is because I think I simply need to pray and not just come and play. So I prayed, then before I slept, I sms-ed Chris to tell her to wake me up cos I wanna talk 2 her n pray for certain stuff... but becos she found me asleep like 1 am.... so I slept until morning... =.= morning, woke up... grabbed song book, started singing... praying... then my mom woke up, so I invited her to come along and sing also.. so both of us sang together... then it was almost 8... more and more people woke up already, and a few of us were singing...suddenly I felt some static on my nose... so I tied to brush it away. then my face started tingling... then my teeth started tingling.. then my whole body was practically vibrating with those static forces. I read about some people having maybe 220 volts in the body flowing when they get baptised in the Holy Ghost, well... mine was probably much less...maybe 50 volts? anyway, it is not like I knew how 50 volts feels like.. but suddenly my whole body was quite numb, I cant move my fingers and mouth freely. I lips and tongue were vibrating.... I spoke very very very little tongues....( it is gonna take sometime to explain tongue ) maybe spoke like few seconds? no loud praising.... but thenI was starting to smile so widely because this is the first time I experienced such a thing. I quickly got into my room and started praying and thanking God in English.... the whole incident was around 15 minutes... I think I had received the baptism of the Holy Ghost! It is a little less dramatic than those big time evangelists, but as far as I have seen in my life ( the people I know ) it is dramatic enough = ) then the rest of the day was eating and climbing the..." shen qi shan", a mountain... Saw Chris' grandad, he is one cool fella. 92 years old... still strong young man anyway, quite a lot of time was spent travelling around, so I was in the car most of the time. And it was really cool? cos I get to talk, to Christina and Calvin... the... veterans...I don't really talk much too.. I think if Christin and Calvin didn't go, I would probably be praying like... most of the time already hahaha.... anyway, Calvin is a really cute kid, but like every other younger brother... or most younger brothers in Malaysia, younger brothers and elder sisters dont go together. know why, cos guys are supposed to take care of girls n girls support guys. The other way round just causes a little more conflict? or u better need some good comunication skills to overcome those stuff. anyway, I figured out that Chris is probably the only person that would both understand and listen to me talk so much (compared to adults, and 9 year old Calvin has proly no idea what I'm talking about ) So I started sharin abt recent stuff that God revealed to me, through experience, through friends, through other people like evangelists of the old. and I tell you, when she listens, she just listens, and this is like cool. She doesn;t suddenly interrupt and ask some irelevant things. but as I talk to he, I see her.... like dunno got responce also anot =P cos by part she is like concentrating, but I wonder... I talk so much, why she has no questions pulak... anyway, highlight of the whole trip is the baptism of the Holy Ghost la but I was also quite happy as I was in Ipoh I managed to share to 2 very poor people about Jesus Christ. It is totally the grace of God... I also don't know how... but this I think... if anybody want to hear, I really have a lot of things to say? its not like Im dying for attention, cos I don;t even care about it? but I see that many many people my age, live in some sort of confusion... endless ones... going round and round, and find nothing and get despaired in life. actually, there is too much to write about these 3 days there are things I thought about God, about people... and things I told to Chris n Calvin that made me think a lot too ( how much they think about it I don't know... but I was wondering if I came too hard on them ) in the end, I did not manage to lay my hands anybody except Mr Davis and Uncle Jeremy to pray ( because of CG ) hmm, I look forward to much much more things... but there is this wierd feeling in my heart... it is quiet, it is tired. I think I might be a little distracted in some areas during the trip.... I shall go and pray.... I don;t wanna lose my focus.... thank U God so much... for all the stuff... and also for You Yourself that paid the price I couldn't pay... Keep me close to Ur heart.... thanks In Jesus name~ Amen