now I'm having some sort of headache... good thing that it got a little better. Hmm, wanna jot down few important things here. 2 days ago, while I was sleeping, I received this dream. I was in some sort of school, then I was talking to Jessamine...which is my ex classmate. then we were walking down the stairs, suddenly in the middle of this say.... 5 feet wide stairs which was going down.... there was a 4 feet wide stairs going up! so only half a foot is left on both sides of the 4 feet stairs for us to go down. it was quite a narrow path. she took the left, I took the right, and I never saw her after that. then I woke up so 4 am in the morning, I SMSed her handphone and asked her if she ws gonna make so difficult decision and told her I would be calling her later in the morning. but for the whole day, I couldn't contact her. Nobody picks up her phone. Her house phone is out of service, so I started to pray for her. Another dream I received, was I saw my friend sze Ming praying for me. I closed my eyes and He laid his hands on my head... and instantly I was brought into some sort of sensation.. warm fuzzy feeling all over as I start to fall backwards slowly... I was like WOW! Im gonna stay like this forever , its alright... for the moment I thought it was some Holy Spirit baptism thing... then I woke up. For the first time, I knew clearly that no hand pushed me in front or pulled me from behind to make me fall, it was like the sweetest thing. So, what am I gonna do? I will continue to contact Jessamine, cos I know she is proly in some sort of situation which is not the most pleasant one... and I would ask Sze Ming to lay his hands on my hed and pray for me. Real life = D. Monday morning and afternoon was a bit slow, and for all I know, it was a big big trap. I had no good sleep the previous night, was awake until 7 am... all the sleep I got was like just closing my eyes and thats it. headache in the morning, I think I need to stop adjusting the air cond temperature and start getting used to .... maybe 21 celcius. 18 blocks my nose every morning. anyway, this morning I was praying, and it has been few days I have been wondering if God wanted me to preach from house to house? It is definitely not the tradition for preaching I have received anywhere else, except from the Bible. this thought came as I became more and more desperate to see people saved, for 2 reasons. One is my unfruitfulness, second is that they are gonna go to hell... well maybe 3 reasons. I live near them, and if they die, I'm responsible... quite a fearful thing i would say. So I decided my first stop would be my neighbour, my neighbour became a Catholic back last year, as I always have doubts about whether they receive sound doctrine, or whether they are just taught what many protestants think about them. So I went. My friend was not in, and I saw the auntie was a little busy, so I thought to myself, well, maybe another day. then I went to my other neighbour's house. this is quite problematic, cos when I was no Christian, I hang out with this neighbour, played all sorts of computer games together and worse still watch porn once together. this is just like crazy. anyway, that was like .... 4 years back? anywy, I went in and saw him at the comp playing some new RPG. so i was like sitting down n looking... then occasionaly taking out my Bible to read... then see what the game was all about and we talked about nothing important la. and there I sat. 2 hours. even during the 2 hours, i knew I wasn't supposed to be there wasting time as I should already. Then when I came home, I knew that I had not heeded the Holy Spirit's voice... then i went to my room and started praying. Told God I'm sorry. Now, within just 2 hours, all my focus and concentration was like.. OUT. i was quite disoriented then. 3 times I went in to my room to pray about this. and good thing. by night, the peace of God came and I was glad. Then now I felt a buden in my heart, this time it was clearer. I found that I was thinking about preaching from door to door, then I would ge the contact number of City Harvest Subang Jaya, then whoever I get to know through the preaching, I would refer them to City Harvest instead of DUMC as it was much nearer. Now, whether I will be going alone to do this or not I have no idea, for this would be like a crazy thing to start in the beginning. But I know if this is of God, then disobeying would be the last thing I wanna do on earth. anyway, I arranged with Praise and Christina about meeting them tomorrow. Previously I had problems with my quiet time too, and i see many people ( and as far as I know, the secondary school people and the college people ) struggling with it too. Im glad that God has given me victory over many evil spirits that seem to cloud and complicate the whole problem up when the root problem was as simple as total repentance. I would be seeing 2 people, and if both of them could be encouraged and be ushered into an intimate relationship with God, I would be mad happy. Because for those who are with God this is true one chase a thousand,and two put ten thousand to flight so yeah. I was planning this in the afternoon actually. but then if you recalled, I was wasting time and I was praying and repenting. but good God that He restores me. I have been praying for the filling of the Holy Spirit, and I always told myself that i would refuse anything less dramatic. Im still waiting. and I think if I start preaching from house to house, I will be able to really test whether I am filled with God's Spirit. hmmm, good. Today is already over. I can have some rest, then tomorrow will start. A new day with new challenges, gotta stay alert, the Devil is like a roaring lion, seeking whomever it may devour, so I better have my guards all up... and oh yeah, I better tune in to God! Warfare is really something cool in the Christian life that makes it all the more fun... for those who are engaged in it. Spectators will always wonder whats so fun about it.

I think it is really important that I jot down certain important things here. I have been receiving bits and pieces of information from God. By part, it seems purposeful, but I wouldn't say the whole picture is out. I have been praying for the baptism of the Holy Spirit for quite a while already maybe for a week or so. That day i was speaking in tongues in my room, and I received interpretation; " I will give what I asked " I know that God has asked that I should be filled with the Spirit. A wonderful time of confession happened 4 days ago. My close friends would know what I am talking about. Somehow I know I really want to be baptised with the Holy Spirit, but I really don't know what to do. As much as I pray, I don't know what to pray. Reminds me of the part where it says " and the Spirit helps us in our infirmities..." Yet I don't know at which part I am stuck. actually I can't really say I'm stuck, because I'm simply waiting for a promise yet to be fulfilled. Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt about an open Bible. and I tried to see what was in it, all I remember seeing was a number 61 on the top left of the left side page; and a number 15 on the top right side of the right page. So this morning as I woke up, I was thinking, that must be something important I must look up in the Bible. So I searched my NKJV Bible ( Thomas Nelson 1982 version ) from Genesis to Revelation to find if there was such a page. as I searched the whole Bible, I found only 2 pages in the whole near to a thousand pages of Bible that had verse 60+ beginning on the upper left. so halfway through I thought, maybe it could mean chapter; or at least something with 61 stuck together..... and starts with verse fifteen on the second column of the right hand side page. So considering all these requirement, I was thinking... man this could be so impossible. after searching the whole Bible, I know definitely there was no starting of verse 61 on the left side of the page; so it would probably be chapter... Then as I flipped to page 502 and 503 of my NKJV Bible, I just saw it. End of page 501 was the beginning of isaiah chapter 61. So page 502 started with Isaiah 61:2. then the second column of page 503 started with verse 15 of Isaiah 63!!!! I was like, whoa man, what the? lemme try to get the pictures here. lemme calculated the probability of having (verse or chapter) of 61 on top left and (verse or chapter) of 15 on the top right. chapters in the Bible.. of each book ranges from 1-35 on average. however there are a few books withj only a few chapters, or like psalms more than 100 chapters. so I will take 1 - 35 since other numbers are quite out. for chapter 61 to appear, we can see that it is quite far from 35.maybe 10% or less of the books in the bible contains 60 chapters or more. so the probability, I give maximum - it is 0.02 ( 2%) [ explanation to get lets say numer 5 out of 1 - 100 is 1% ][ so 61 is too far away from the mean, and the range is 1 - 35 ] and for verses 61 it is also super rare, because to have 61 verses in one chapter is quite long. for example for the book of psalms - either one or two books have 61 verses out of hundreds of chapters. anyway, I checked my Bible, out of 800 over pages only 2 pages started with verse 60+ i calculated it is 0.25% but nevermind, maybe you would say coincidence so little, I double it, make it 0.5%. 15 is easier to find, much much easier. For the probability of getting fifteen I will multiply all my answers on top with 5. which is 10% and 2.5% now there are 4 columns in the Bible, I just calculated the probability for one column. becuse 61 and 15 must appear at once and not separately, we must multiply the probability instead of adding them up. We must also divide it by 2 one time because there are to pages in total. so this is the calculation ( 2% + 0.5% ) * (10% +2.5%) *2 /4 = 0.15625% which is 0.0015625 It is important that there are other factors that I have not really included. because im using very raw and blunt information in this. so becaus of that I will minus some off the 0.0015625 I will take 0.0014 as the number to count. Multiply by 800 pages, I get 1.12 which is 1.so it can be seen it is like God wants me to read one particular page... and guess what I found in that page. anyway this is the evidence http://photos.friendster.com/photos/01/63/3923610/18836915416779l.jpg http://photos.friendster.com/photos/01/63/3923610/1883721154187l.jpg what I found on that page? 2 things. one is a sin that I confessed recently and something about praying. now that I read it, I dont really know what to do also... a lil bit I know... like I should be praying according to the verse on the watchman part .. 62:6-7 anyway, Ive taken quite long to type all this, I want to go and pray now. doing calculations take time... take picture of Bible time also... cannot waste so much time... ciao

Lemme see, it has proly been like more than 2 months I havent blog, maybe 3. Many things happened also, like bumping around in my faith, discouraged and encouraged. Slacking and coming back... It is much more problematic this semester as I have added distraction because of some girl thing. Of all things. Well, with my non Christian friends which I normally hang out together, only they dont seem to be having a problem with girls because they never thought of it as a problem, considering that their lifestyle and thinking is very different from me. but it was also a problematic thing that I was caught up with DOTA for a while - which I thought that it started out as something which I can fellowship with my friends. But oh well, thats not the case, and for that, I fasted for dunno how long. It ws very important that I fast also, considering that I am the prayer coordinator that ctually conducts prayer meetings and also considering that the end times is near. But above these two, I know I have to be zealous and repent because i know the knowledge and the grace that has been given o me by God, which I do not want to set aside. I know it deep inside, I am responsible for all these. This semester, my focus was very much distracted. Counting, I have not led one person to Christ yet. As much as I believe in sowing and reaping, planting and waiting to grow, I know I have not put in all my effort. If I had already put in all the tears and blood because of nights of prayer, hated and ridiculed because of the Gospel and nothing seems to be happening, at least I know that it is because of the blinded eyes of the people. But now that this is not the situation, I was neither hated ( since I indulge in DOTA the same as others do ), and did not seize all oppurtunities to preach to Word of Life, which also is the Sword that would divide between the right and wrong, which would cut many hearts and heal many wounds. I did not pray like mad, nothing. So I think encouraging words would be more like, "PRAY MORE, SEEK THE LORD, WRESTLE THROUGH THE NIGHT and yeah Joel, I will DO IT WITH YOU!" instead of... " you have done your part, now just wait...dont feel bad... and so forth" as much as both phrases might seem to be out of a noble intention, I think I would prefer the former, because I really think many city people are simply getting lazy. My hands up as well. Too comfortable. I thank God I have friends of both. I know pei ling and Li En. hehe, cool buddy. Not that all my problems get solved, but pei ling would push me forward. Then Li En will be very comforting. Note to pei ling: you better be careful you don't fall in any area, pray strong. Note to Li En: now our goal is not the most fervent prayer warrior in Malaysia, but to reach the mark that Jesus has already set for us. This semester in college, I think I see like a tiny bit of improvement in people that some start to pray a little bit more, but I know tha I know that most of us are not really pushed to anywhere near the limits yet. Considering that we are called to Love God with EVERYTHING we have... HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH, and MIND....which is basically to the limits. a few things I have identified hindering me these days. Peer pressure, very subtle, very real. Girls, super obvious, super real. This problem no longer need to come as a theif like peer pressure already, I have to face things like that head on. Laziness. I'm glad that this is decreasing - but I know I'm nowhere near my limits. I'm moving there! God help me! I remember one thing I keep on telling people about what Jesus prophesied "...The love of many will grow cold..." it was during the end times... So I tell people... when harder times come... " the cold will turn colder, and the hot will bun brighter" (is there such word as colder? I dont wanna say cooler, it is like misleading to say cooler) So when the test comes, hopefully and prayerfully we will be on the hotter side. Few things also came into my mind recently. About spending money. I don't think I will ever ever go overseas anymore except for mission trips or similar things. I seriously think that this is a conviction from God that calls me to be a good steward over all that I have. Then this is what I think God just spoke to me very very recently. That I am called to be a man of God and not a man of women. Not that I'm that great or anywhere near those cool dudes that have everything done so cool (so to speak as of the world). But it was a matter of the heart, that I dont just try to grasp the wind or beat the air. As Paul says by the knowledge that was given to him by God: Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. hmm, I think girls face this much more. Cos I'm like thinking, girls are like getting all the advantages in this, then temptation to use this as a means of selfish gain is so much more. I recently saw some taiwanese talkshow talking about women with beautiful legs... Some said they had free taxi rides, most like to wear mini skirts so that they dont hide their beauty. Oh man, but how many people lust in their mind just because of their dressing! That is just so bad, now that with the world, everybody is promoting this - indecent dressing, and yes I will call it INDECENT dressing is everywhere even in churches... If the world was void of sin, you can go naked, fine! but now that sin has entered the world, the world is still living like there is no such thing as sin. ISh... And thank you pei ling again. Cos she is the type like... when she says something supposedly encouraging, I can really say it is all the more encouraging... If something good is done, she will say go on. and hopefully well done.... but I know the word GO ON SINCE YOU KNOW IT IS RiGHT..... is so much stronger than the well done. But I guess it is okay, I dont get hurt easily by words like that. But o man, I really need to get closer n closer to God... because it is simply terrible errible to be stuck halfway in the journey called disciplining the body. I was just talking to pei ling last night... That girl keeps popping up in my mind! Its terrible that I use so much of my energy and brainspace to stop a thought, and start a different thought! So I told her... since I am going to Orang Asli Mission trip, and I have my BM Bible now... I mihgt as well start memorizing Scriptures in Bm, hopefully my mind will refocus somehow... considering that I blog like once in 344.87 years, I also want to thank Praise for her company! After second celebration, I sit at joy cafe, sometimes reading my Bible, sometimes I would just lepak around. But good hing that Praise is there, so we can talk about Bible and about XYZ or previous camps or stuff like that. who I wanna thank summore? actually many ppl have been helping me in my walk with God... a lil bit here n a lil bit there... so I thank you all also hahaha... So let me see what I dont want to get involved in and what I want to get involved in. I... don't wanna play DOTA next semester!!!! (big challenge, God is bigger) I... will not by useless stuff! I... will pray for more and more people..( talking abt that, havent been praying for Serene Koh, the DUMC Missionary) I... must discipline my body!!!!! !!! my brain is proly gonna blast because of this, well, for good. Its just sickening to be stuck halfway... its like... climbing up a mountain... when I am at the foot of the hill, I can simply stop and go home... not that bad... when I'm at the top, I get to rest and see the scenery... when I'm at the middle, I'm too far away from the bottom, and I havent see the beautiful scenery yet. but well, I'm not without goal, must climb, the mountain of Moriah!!!!!! " ...We'll go worship..." - Abraham , Genesis 22

these 2 days.. yesterday and today... actually it is 1 am this morning, and just right now, 8p.m...
certain thoughts came into my mind. but before that, these few days I am still trying to buck up with my studies... as I am lagging behind a little due to my overplaying of computer games previously, I'm glad things are looking better. Sometimes I think I get closer to God when get sick, or i somehow feel that God tells me something everytime I get sick.
Sometimes i just think i feel that way because my body is feeling wierd anyway, so it would be normal for me to feel that way... but it seems that all those just don't make sense... thinking about deep things isn't part of sickness...
but this I think, when I get sick, I can't really resist much, considering the fact that i don;t even have energy to play computer games... I don't have energy to argue with God... So probably God uses oppurtunities like this to tell me stuff...I have no energy to even reason out why God tells me certain things... Headache just overwhelms me...and whenever I have the energy, I ask God...
" please take this away... I wanna be healed.. i believe in Jesus.."

I got sick on sunday afternoon. today is tuesday. I was also considered quite healed by sunday night, which was good. It was quite a story also. I was so sick and was aching all over my body; call it faithless or whatever, i don't know. With everything i can muster, I asked God to heal me, again and again...
At night it was still so painful, so i asked my maid to massage me from head to toe, she is really a skillful massuer... almost all the pain was gone after her massage...while she was massaging, we talked... then one thing came to my mind... i remembered a few months ago I was wondering, my maid ( or kakak a.k.a "kak" as I normally call her ) come to my house to work, I should really tell her bout Jesus... I wonder how?? First time i encounter such a thing, preaching to my maid? that sounds really crazy...
and Boom ( no boom actually )... she asked me for an Indonesian version of the Bible... Somehow I expected her to ask... although our conversation had nothing to do with anything about God or spiritual or things like that... quite an experience I would say...
I gave her the Bible the next day.

about the thoughts.
1a.m. this morning, i tried to sleep. I couldn't. Many things i tried. Cannot. Thoughts came in to my mind suddenly... I was visiting the University of new South Wales earlier, and I saw a degree course called Engineering in Photovoltaic....sumthing... something like solar energy kind oif thing...
then I thought, hmm... If I ever take this, i would probably be the few in my country... because this course isn't available in Malaysia.
Then one thought led to another... why do I wan to take this course? I think, I want to help the poor... pollution is stepping in, a silent killer... and fuel is going out... perhaps I can help Malaysia. i know some people choose to leave Malaysia when things get worse and worse, but I think Jesus wouldn't do that; He'd probably come to Malaysia because its getting worse...
but then again, my mind wasn't really thinking about what Jesus would do... i was just wondering... I was thinking about many things... what are my motives?
Is it cash or anything? well, i am a child of God, that shouldn't bother me. then I thought, okay lets say i get the cash... why am i getting the cash? what will I do with it?
Is it what I plan to do- to please my mother in law, please my future wife and get all the stuff and get on with my life?
or am I going to have some solar energy company, provide training for the disabled people in Malaysia, train them to work in the company, doing technical things.... and buy my house, where I share the house with all these people? and then... I thought, maybe I can make my house an orphanage too, hiring some Christian nurses and a doctor to stay there...
I never really thought about the cost in terms of money really, it never seemed to really bother me.
then i thought, if i ever live a lifestyle like that, giving and helping as soon as I can... probably, I won't be able to bring the future wife ( if I ever will be courting one ) for big big stuff, and live a luxurious life for myself. And its not like the people I hire is gonna make me rich or famous, but the other way round... but what is it that I am living for?
if i ever find a wife that shares this dream, I think I'd probably be in heaven already...
i thought to myself, I can;t jump into this, the cost is too much.... if I had less money, I can help less, but that was not the main issue... I knew, all these... is going to cost something I hate losing.... Dignity...
People may speak good about me... but well, the girls won't come probably... not trying to be sexist, but I'm just saying this as a guy, so it is vice versa. people would probably stand afar and say " hmm this is good work, and go for a more popular and appealing partner"....
All these... I thought on my bed as I rolled round for an hour...
Then I thought back about my childhood, how so many kids at my time.... everybody wanted to be a police! to catch the bad people! to be a teacher! to educate people! to be a fireman! to save lives! but as the years went by...
as people grow up, materialism steps in - or so the world calls it being realistic. People want to be tuition teachers and open tuition centres...primary focus is to get the money ( because parents nowadays are really spending bucks on their kid's education )... people start to go for more and more get rich quick schemes.... whatever way, hook or crook, just get the money...and to compensate for the guilt in their heart... donate the lose change to charity...
simple things like being an engineer to build nice things are more and more rare, more and more people are just in for the money....not that money is bad... but the heart is never the same...
I'm a little glad that I still thought about helping people, but I don't know what will happen as time changes - will I change like everybody?
Perhaps that is one of the reasons why Jesus wants me o trust in Him as a child, pure, obedient, and true... By God's grace, I pray that He will keep my heart right...

around 2a.m. my thoughts stopped... i knew hatever I need to know was already known, I shall go to sleep.

I was having my dinner just now, around 8 pm, approximately 18 hours after these thoughts...
Suddenly i remembered about the newspaper where it reported a Guest Relations Officer, 19 years old, got stabbed to death. I don't know that full story. but I guess she probably worked in a nightclub, where very compromising if not giving in to sex kind of situations occur...
i guess thats my perception about people working in nightclubs...
sometimes I watch movies, and I get to understand the hard life they live, having to support a broken family, with single parents, no money, no education, feeding another 2 brothers... so the eldest sister becomes a prostitute kind of thing... as much as I disagree and hate prostitution, I know unless I am able to help one of them, I have no right to even give my opinion on what " they should really be doing" . I am not in their shoes....
then I was thinking, maybe I can take them in just like the way I "took' people into the company and they can have a new life!
but suddenly reality sets in... if i am going to do this... how many can I help, considering it is costly to do something like that! I guess I don't know... but how long more are these people going to suffer in the dark? while I live in a relatively much much better world compared to them?
i guess i don't know-
How long will it take me to acheive that? what if.... Jesus comes back before I get to do any of these?
then i rememebred what Pastor Daniel Ho said earlier during the weekend...
" if you don't give now, the oppurtunity to give might not come again "
He was speaking on the building fund of DUMC new building, called - DREAMCENTRE.
it comprised of a normal church as many peopel knows it, education centre, sportscentre, a place for the broken/forsaken/suicidal people to stay and receive help, support, and encouragement.... a place where people can step in and receive love, and a place where they can know what True Love is...where they get to know our Saviour, Lord, Redeemer, Friend - Jesus Christ the Love of the universe.

i thought and thought about it....I think there are many things I cannot do alone. What i can do 10 years from now, whether that company will ever exist or I will actually die tomorrow i do not know. But a few things I know, i'm alive now, I have the abiliy to help. I have The Light. I am being Loved by God. My life is secure in God's hands. Many people don't have a privilege like me.
For the things I cannot do alone, I think I will chip in to the church building fund.
what I can give, I will give. Some forms of help costs more, some less; but all are lost without God. I have quite little now, I haven't even start working...
but I trust in Jesus, who feeds 5000 people with 5 loaves and 2 fish...

many things happened these few days.
many things I got to learn from God. From monday until friday afternoon, I was sort of like, not sort of, I was wasting time, in a real terrible way. wasting ime is one of the things that make me feel so so bad, I don't think that its simply because i hold on to certain values, but I simply just hate wasting time.
i was in the middle of a fast, nd it was so boring, I quitted halfway. was supposed to be some sort of beginning of semester fast, like, I'm commiting the rest of the semester to God kind of thing.
earlier in the afternoon, my math lecturer said something about thinking critically, she isn't a Christian, but that thing she said made some sense. That our brain creates more neur connections between brain cells the more we use our brains. Resulting in faster thinking or something.
So I did just that. I did some math...then I read my Bible, thinking as much as possible. It felt so boring, I had to repent of something; there was something I wasn't too sure of. I mean, the obvious thing was wasting time, but there were things more than that.
I I repented of my wasting time, and all these crazy thoughts, mustering all the faith that I have and casted these crazy evil stupid thing.
I was thinking, since now I am at rest, nd I really want to use my brain intensely, i will just start with the word of God. So I read the Bible like never before, every single verse I read, i thought about it, and read it again, and think how it applies to me, why whoever said that... It took me quite long to finish a chapter, but I guess I didn't mind that.
I was too bred initially, and I knew things shouldn't be like that. I was a little worried also, because I am going to preach on evangelism and worship in my college CF one day, how can I preach like that?
but one wonderfulthing happened. As I thought more and more about the Word of God, my mind started to focus on other things less and less... I forgot about the boredom, and... the thoughts about God filled my mind, and I started to smile again...then it become laughter = )
So I took a bus to my Cell group around 5 pm. CG is at 8. but as I walked, i thought and thought and thought about God...how He saved me... what He did for me...
It is something like preparing my thoughts, so they get organized, also so that i don't just forget what God done for me... as we sang praise n worship songs to God, I found that almost at the instance of singing any line, I can recall what God done for me at that moment...
its like... if I sing " forever I am changed by Your love", poof
stuff comes into my mind, remembering how God changed me through the years... and it was beautiful... after repenting earlier, worship , for me, took on a new dimension... I cared much less about wht other people thought... and I started to dissociate my feelings with the worship... so I sing, I praise and thank God no matter how I feel... I got a gist of that, and it was wonderful...
its really cool...

okay, saturdy came...the highlight ... is... before the pre celebration prayer... guess what I saw... I saw this girl admire... she was walking out of church to whatever place withthis guy...
" Oh, Joel... calm down, its not like you really know her anyway..."
" ouch... ouch... oh man... she... went out!!!! "
" calm down... calm down..."
it was a really not nice thing to feel...
pre celebration pryer started at 6...
but I arrived at the balcony of the church at 5:45... a place where I can practically see the whoe sanctuary...
for a moment I forgotten what I saw just now...
and I started praying for the church... it was really beautiful time, despite my earlier 1 week backsliding... words just came out, I don't think it was because I'm Christian for so long.. but I think it is a way how our loving God gives us our dignity, and value, and position, to comfort us, to give us strength, to demonstrate His love... His love, which finds us in our weakness and strengthen us... its like... the part in Romans 5 that says... while we were still sinners, Christ died for us...
anywy, as I was praying... the thought of seeing her going out earler disturbed me... so i asked God how to curb this problem... and as I prayed, God revealed to me what the problem was with this thought...beyond envy, God revealed to me tht indeed He isn't really sitting on the throne of my heart... I had something in my heart that is trying to be equal with God's throne..
so I thanked God, and prayed about it...
pre celebration prayer was great also... and a lady prayed for me...
I prayed for her once for her legs which was painful, now its alright = ) . God of wonders, and you would never know how a small part in your body that keeps on aching, can irritate you so so much.
then she prayed for me...that was really cool... really cool... I don't get people coming and pray for m normally...
then was the word time.. Pastor Daniel pracheda bout territorial commitment... our commitment to the place we stay or work, in praying for that area...
so next sunday there is a prayerdrive/ walk outside church... almost over the whole klang valley...

anyway, night came... I slept..
last night I had a dream... a few actually,...
one was that, I was going to this camp... and we went to genting highlands on this horse-car... the horse was so powerful, it pulled the whole car of people up to genting highlands...
then I remembered, I was assigned this room, but I was not happy about i, there was nobody I knew in the room...
then I don;t know where down the road, my college CF secretary got sick...
and then dunno how God gave me a marble sized glowing bll of light in my hands. I didn;t hear His voice, but I think He asked me to let her eat it. it was a realy beautiful ball, it was actually just a ball of light... but I fel that that ball had weight, it had substance... as I cupped it with my 2 hands, I felt the light wanting to expand, really beautiful...
i dropped it suddenly... and it burst! I was like wha the???
then i cupped my hand again, and a ball of light formed in my hand...suddenly I allowed my hands to go too far part, and it expanded until i burst... then i cupped my hand tightly again, and the ball appeared... then I shoed my dad, and i gave it to the secretary... and she became well... it was like so wonderful...
then t make sure I was not dreaming I asked everybody in the car whether I was dreaming... then they said no...
then guess what, my alarm clock rang... and I woke up to find that i was dreaming...
I just checked myhands... no glowing ball of light... but I wonder what that meant...

today... go immigration with my mom, bro, and granny.
one thing happened there.
there is this one girl who was walking past this... mesuring thing, a scale, to mesure height... and the thing was not stable, whether she hit the thing or not I don't know, cannot see also; but the thing fell on a lady's head... she is around 50 i guess...
she was immediately scolded, hit, and shouted at...
the girl's mom came to her defence and said it was only an accident, which I think it was...
then the daughter of the 50 year old lady shouted at the girl's mom, asking her to teach her kids properly, and telling her that she can even sue her if anything happens to the 50 yr old lady...
nobody apologized...

then I was thinking... hmmm, what if it was an accident and the other side falsely accused her?
what if it was an accident that wsn't even caused by her?
then... if God decides to execute justice, somebody gets into trouble...
then what if the girl actually tripped over that scale and the thing fell?
then her mom falsely defended her...

then i start to realize also why God always ask us to forgive in any situation...
we can make mistakes... but erm...
lets say, people harmed us, we forgive; then God surely has something in store for the loving man
but lets say, people dine evil to us, and we do the same thing back. When God executes justice, both will be found guilty...
but erm, what s the point of forgiving when somebody don't know God? not many people in the world today knows that God still holds the scales, although He has chosen to forgive us...
hmm, more people should know God; if not many will be trapped in guilt, hurt, and hatred...

I had a deam, I forgot whether it was last night or the night before... I was dreaming about driving... hen I don;t know at some point... somebody was kidnapped. A few of my college friends were in some part of the dream...but I don't know who was kidnapped, and there was very little hope... Just now i heard from my mom... that one of my relatives got into loan shark problem... sigh... and tomorrow my mom is bringing my grandma to renew her passport... I am suspecting this is another merajuk case... oh well, the worse is yet to come. But after the worst, the best will come. My Prince is coming for me, with thousands and thousands of angels...

Today I think God thought me a lesson. When I wanna seek Him... Its not about just setting my timetable toread my Bible and pray and hopefully stuff works out.... I also need to set my heart on that mission. Its like I really have to want it. I really gotta make effort to check my thoughts, to believe. Actually I think I learnt this sometime back earlier this year, but I think I forgotten about it, better blog it down so i don;t simply forget this again.

ah.....new question! what about that guy at the end of the world who has no chance to even hear of the name Jesus since birth till death? then is God not fair to him? okay. This question normally comes from people who talk a lot and do little, not saying that you are. I won't nswer this question directly. If somebody asked me that in an arrogant manner trying to prove that God is unfair kind of stuff, I will simply ask. So how much you have in your pocket? If you are so concerned about that man, why not, sell off your stuff and give all the money to some missionary fund, or even buy a ticket there to tell that person about Jesus Christ? I'm sure you would know what to do if you are concerned,; but if you are just asking for the sake of asking, I won't waste my breath to answer for the sake of answering. but anyway, that sounded harsh i think... not nice. God is merciful and I'm sure He knows how to deliver needy souls just in time. So now that I know this, I don't worry about many things, knowing that God loves me and is willing and more than able to help me in times of difficulty.

okay, blogging time. The italics can be read if ure free, but erm, that wont really make sense if you have no Bible knowledge, which is perfecly fine. actually, I m just so free during these holidays that I just decided to come up with this...ahh...hope u have fun reading

Hmm, i was just reading Ezekiel chapter 33... I thought, maybe i can write down what I understand about it... maybe it would be cool.
there is a part that says that Ezekiel is a watchman to Israel, and he should be warning Israel of any warnings from God.
If he tells the people their sins and they do not repent. People die, Ezekiel lives.
If he tells the people their sins and they repent. People live, Ezekiel lives.
If he doesn't tell the people, nobody is able to repent. People die, Ezekiel pays for it.
after seeing this, hmm, I was thinking; okay, thats fair enough. But then it seems that the people are in a position of disadvantage in the beginning... its like if Ezekiel decides to be stubborn, then they die... then is God unfair?
then I thought for a while, wait of course! the people had to die because they was wrong at first. I mean, if the people were righteous, Ezekiel wouldn't make much of a difference. As matter of fact, God is at the gracious side as I can see. Firstly, the people don't die immediately after sinning, they had time to repent. And considering that God would ask Ezekiel for the payment of the blood of His people if Ezekiel ever decides to sin against God and not warn the people, God is like, fighting for His people.
Okay, put it in modern day context, Ezekiel is the guy who has message from God concerning life and death, so do Christians, and the people are the rest of the world. Am I taking this out of context or just devising some sort of responsibility? well, we can refer to the new testament why I am not so called, putting extra burden on myself as a Christian. 1 Corinthians 9:16 says

" For if I preach the Gospel, I have nothing to boast of, for necessity is laid upon me; yes, woe is to me if I do not preach the Gospel! "

but now for people who says: why not God just don't kill anyone then everything would be alright! God is not fair!
before that is answered, let us read on in Ezekiel 33. God says that :

'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, O house of Israel?' (NKJV)

God's reasoning is quite simple in fact. He says, if the righteous man suddenly start to trust in his own righteousness and start sinning, God will forget every single good thing he did and that man will die. If the wicked suddenly repent and do good, that man will surely live because God will forget the wicked things he did.
Very simple. Now, a few more questions are further raised: what if the righteous man did 99 good things and 1 wrong thing in the end? and the wicked man did 99 wrong things before he repented to do one good thing? Is God then being unfair?

Now let me try to reason all these out. 4 questions.
1. Why did God want to kill anybody in the beginning; wouldn't it be good if God just let everybody live?

2. Is God really fair in saying " that man shall die ", when the righteous man turns away from righteousness and commit sin?

3. In what way is it fair that the wicked man who repents will gain life and pardon from God?

4. So what if there is this man in the world who does good things to many people, but is not willing to receive the forgiveness of Jesus Christ, since he says that I am not bad at all; I don't even think of anything evil ( and in this he does not lie )?

5. Isn't repentance very cheap then? How can I repent and gain all the life that God wants to give me today so I will not have to live with this burden of guilt, shame, and enmity against God?

lets see how I can answer this.

1. What if there is this rapist who goes around and rape the whole world? and lets say, now one of the victims is your very own daughter/sister/mother. Lets say you are so loving, and say I will forgive them. In this you have done very unjustly because by letting him rape more people
more harm is done. Rape is a violent act, it is very different from sex within marriage; considering now that the world cannot differentiate between right and wrong or black and white. So why does God judge, does it have anything to do with Him? Now God created us as His very own people, now God pleads our case, that whosoever goes against us, is directly rebelling against God himself. Ever seen those Chinese triad movies? It is really an honour so to spek when the "boss" defends his own people like that. Now God being the greatest in all Universe displays not only righteousness in this but also pretection and love for us. In this God is very fair and more than fair, which is loving.

2. Is God really fair in this? Firstly it is very important for us to know that the wicked DID have a warning. So I guess even based on a man's righteousness God will warn the righteous man not to commit sin. We got to get the context that God is out to save and not to kill. If the righteous man i out to kill 2 people, of course that man should die first. Afterall one dead is better than 2 dead' or put it another way, it is better to have 2 lives rather than 1. but actually, what i understand about God's purpose ( not that I know that much ) is that, God did not create us to be righteousness machines only. God also created us to love what is good, because if anybody knows the pleasure of the fullness of life, they will surely choose it. If the righteous man has planned to do 99 good things and 1 evil thing against his brother or against God, he halready set himself up for death in the very beginning. But if he repents after doing that one wicked thing, what does God say? ( answer below )

3. Actually I think this is good news to every single soul on earth, considering that many of us know that we are not really good inside. but anyway, here we can see that God is showing something wonderful about love ( even in Old Testament, God portrays love all the same ). Now God is showing that mercy is even better than fair judgement. Since God created everything, now if anything is lost, God surely lost something ( not to concentrate on our own loss, knowing that we didn't come out of our mom's womb with even one underwear ). God shows that even the one who robs and kills and does all the evil things, come to his sense and repents; yes, that man will be saved. Now then where did all the destruction and loss go in modern day context?

4. One of the main main things here. Even if this guy says, i only lied once! I don't think it is fair at all that God should kill me for that. Some people may answer, a little bit of evil cannot enter heaven at all. yes, that is true, but i think it can be explained in a better way. Remember I mentioned that we are not created just to be righteousness machines? Now let me put it in other words for this man who says I don't need forgiveness. God made it clear that " the man who trust in his own righteousness and commit sin will die " there are 2 components. one is diredctly doing something harmful. the other one is simply saying " God, I think I am good enough, You are simply not qualified to say I need to be as good as You say I should to gain life" Now in doing this, imagine a girlfriend saying to the guy, " I don't really need your love or anything like that, I will just do all the things a girlfriend does minus you and all the nice things" It simply doesn't make sense because a relationship doesn't work that way. This man just rejected God like that trusting that he is good enough ( which there is no such kind of person around! ). Now eternal life is also being with God forever and ever along with others who received forgiveness in this world. How can we enter heaven by saying, " God, I don't need you, don't need your forgiveness, i can fly to heaven all by myself " that just doesn't make sense.

5. Repentance is our part. Where did the loss go? Our privilege to repent came at a hefty price. Which is the forgiveness of sins through the suffering and death through the Son of God, that is Jesus Christ. ( huh? wait, why got Jesus eh???? ). For more information on this, please ask your Christian friend to explain; I believe that they will be courteous enough to tell you. Or if you want, you can call me at 012 3810543.


Now in all these I do not intend to reason and argue for the ske of winning since I gain nothing by that. but that I hope through this, misconception about some crazy God up there will be cleared and hat people may come to know the love and forgiveness that comes through Jesus Christ, the Son of God. Or maybe you have certain inquiries about this God whom you are curious of; I would most certainly like to help you out. Just place your questions under comments and I will do my best to answer them.

yay-ness