The last time I blogged, was like 6th. Now it is.. 19th quite a few days. Anyway, i think I can count all the people that reads my blog, with one hand. anyway, thats good. to start, one person came into my life. Difficult to handle. Scary, but good. From the door to door preaching, one Indonesian girl, I think about 20 or 20++ called me up. It was quite scary, she said she wanted to be my friend. I never thought of such a thing before. I thought it was some sort of failure to minister to any Indonesians that day, I was like all rejected, the only thing was that I managed to drop down my phone number, asking them to call me if they wanted to know about God. And so one did, and I'm having headache cos of that. so, from that day until today, I think I have been receiving more than 30 SMSes from her and I replied more than half of them I think. Its like so expensive. I'm complaining. Thats the stupid flesh. See, my flesh is bloody jealous of my spirit, cos I don't really care about it. Since stopping most forms of entertainment, my flesh, or my body have been suffering from some sort of unhappiness, but I can't care too much about that. I am affected by that very much, but I think I'm going too far to turn back. that was 7th of December. This thing is continuing until today. 9th was the mission trip, and I was still feeling so distant from God. yeah, I heard that, facts and feelings don't necessarily go together as in. God loves me whether I feel it or not. but still, feelings affect me a lot; and it is not nice to feel far from God, not nice at all. with mission trip coming near, I should be prepared. on thursday, I went over to Zu Yao's house to stay overnight along with the mission team. Joshua, my Asst. Cell leader, called me up before, to check if stuff is alright with me. Josh is a nice guy. I know he may not be motivated all the time, but the effort he makes, to motivate me, and to encourage is quite something. People who don;t understand that call it fake, but I know that it involves sacrifice to do that, to cheer another person up. When I am not in the mood, I just shut up and get whatever I need to do, done. During the night there, I wanted t get motivated, real bad. So I started to talk about medicine - again. talk about faith and stuff. after talking about the thing for almost an hour? nothing much changed. I think I won the argument, but hmm, nothing much seemed to change. The same evening, I stepped into a Buddhist library, looked around for books, then I found out books that says about Jesus going to India during his young adult and teen years... Then I found some basic Buddhist teachings. The man there wanted to be helpful to help me locate a book, which I couldn't find, named Sutrapidot. Nevermind. Slept at night, super lot of mosquitos, my sleep was almost like no sleep. end of 8th. 9th is the first day of mission trip. we were late for 3 hours plus I think because we got lost. During the car ride, I talked to Jaime quite a lot. we were called to sit behind. It was as if I was gonna die, so I better pass on my thoughts and knowledge if it was of any use. Christina would know what I would probably be talking about. So we reached there at 4 pm. around there. met with the pastors, and rested. I think first evening was mostly eat and rest. Programs were cancelled. Being out of my house, I know I must make more effort to have my own quiet time with God, its like a lazy thing that waits to pounce on me when I'm in a new environment with new timetables. It can be said almost from the first day until the last day of the mission trip I was in some sort of disagreement with the team. Basically it was between me and team. They were quite together, I was not so together, in almost anything. well, that didn't mean I don;t help out. I just prayed alone most of the time, seldom did I pray with the full team. Team members that I got to share something with was Kheng Yew, Jaime, and Jonathan. Some stuff that caught my attention was Zu yao. Suddenly out of the blues he shows some cool stuff. It was like.. during the last day of the trip, suddenly he said be bold. and yeah, it was a sharp piercing sword. I like that. Most of the disagreements was with Asher, Sarah, and Siew Mei. Siew Mei was the team leader, I could see she worked quite a lot. but disagreements are still disagreements, I don't like to compromise. Anywya, to clarify, this mission is to the Orang Asli(s) in Rompin. Objective is to preach Jesus and help the ministry which is already there. Pastor Mondon is the pastor of the church, along with his wife, Pastor Liyu. Pastor Mondon, I was glad I got to talk to him twice. There wasn't much information that I shared with him. I just hoped that I would stir him up a little more than before. He needs more of God, not more of me. then I met Raibin. He broke his leg. The team prayed for him first, then I prayed for him. God didn't put that bone back that same day, or night. I'm sad. The kids were really noisy there. Fornikah, Pastor Mondon's daughter, was teachable. I saw her singing songs of praise and worship, it was good. in the whole hall, every other person was doing something else, but she was singing songs to God. She was 10 years old. Then I met Rizan. Rizan is a guy who is eager to learn. I got to talk to him and prayed for him. He is encouraging. He gets stuff done. He shows me around. and when I walk around with my Bible, he is the only one that asks for it so he can read it. If anybody knows me, they would probably know that I always walk around with my Bible. whether I read it or not... Even now as I'm typing, I feel a little bit like a robot. but I know at least this is somehow better than lazing around. I really pray that God shines something on me so, things- no not things. I just want God a lil more closer, a lil more like a close friend. Then I met Ahmad. Ahmad has some mental problems. He is not really retarded, he would be a genius if he was retard. but there is just something wierd. prayed for him, anointed with oil. How I long to see him standing up alright, proclaiming that Jesus is Lord instead of having that wierd look on his face. Its quite sad. I think I would feel that more if I were him. but somehow, my heart doesn't cry. Crying is nice, its fun. wanting to cry a lil, but not being able to, is terrible. then I met Ben and Zunainah, they didn't make any special impact to me during that time. Maybe they are generals of God in the near future, but well, I, didn't get that thought at that point of time. I hope Rizan will somehow lead. I learnt some stuff during the mission trip too. I have to simply submit to my leaders, and always do this with much prayer. There happened something which I disliked very much during the trip, and I know it was not supposed to be so. Either I be sad or happy. Nice, like... those words are for my flesh. so my flesh was hurt. what shall I do? crucify it. So I talked to God for maybe 20 minutes, and finally God gave me the peace and said, support my leader. At least for that occasion. I gotta hold my reactions back. respond after thinking. Met with some teens and young adults over there too. There is an open door. Oang asli are not that proud. Its easier to be with them. it is quite long to type everything out here. its because most of the time I just shut up and think a lot. people who knows me know that sometimes I just think too much, but thats okay. when we reached church after departing from the mission site, I brought up most of the disagreements and there was some sort of argument in the van. but well, I think its good. Its not nice to bring up issues, but its good to expose these stuff, no point hiding and cover poison. the 2 days after coming back... was not really bad. it was normal. as in I was quite gloomy, and quiet. but nevermind, went out with my non Christian friends. went cycling, eating ice creamm sing karaoke, and swimming, doing all these, I prayed very very little for a few days. This pause, made me thought more about unsaved people. and made me thought about the days I was not saved. and during these few days until yesterday, I slumped back into masturbation. Thats worst. No im not saying masturbation. It simply reveals something wrong going on. I'm drifting a lil further from God. Well, God is not far, its just that I can't hear Him that much... on the 15th of december... middle of the night, I dreamt. God showed me His goodness. I forgot how. I was just like, God saying " I'm good to you, I love you" and I was crying in my sleep. Sleeping beside me was Heng Kai. I was there overnight. What was I doing earlier, washing cars and singing karaoke with them. I'm a little lost frankly speaking. anyway, these few days, I read an article, challenging the position of the Holy Spirit as the third Person in the Trinity. For a few days I was quite convinced that the Holy Spirit was not a Person. but then early today God led me to find the thing out again. one of the only thing that I can find that would stand a chance to prove that the Holy Spirit is a person is the benediction part. Communion of the Holy Spirit. I thought. we can fellowship with a dog even, but never a thing. So Holy Spirit is a person right? then I checked the greek word. koinonia. It doesn't always have to mean person kind of fellowship. I'm still finding out. anyway, it has been a few times I'm in Pasar Seni. That day went out with Mei Yan to Pasar Seni. Got to talk and provide a little for the beggars there. its a long story. I can type for 30 minutes just on that days trip. fruitful.this is friday. I got into an argument with some guy with the religion similar to the sky religion. saturday. street ministry, highlight was HIV man. of course there is much more. but highlight was church. That night, I sensed... that the spiritual atmosphere was quite low. Its just not there. don't ask me how I feel or whatsoever. Its just, not there. Oh man, this cannot be happening. Sunday, stayed at home with dad most of the time. Washing cars with Heng Kai and Ben taught me to clean the cars properly instead of just washing it. so its cool. Few days didn't go for kickboxing class already. later I'm going. God please help me. Its like some big time spiritual warfare. not so much of bombs and guns. its like some sabotage case. some assasination case. Its not nice.